WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN ?
As an Australian journalist living in England, we normally say getting stuck into the poms is " fair game ". Most of the time it's good old fashioned banter. We delight, on the odd occasion when you win, in handing you your medals and saying " Here's your medal, don't wear it in the bath, not that there's much chance of that !".
We normally enjoy giving you " a proper serve " as we call it. This time fellas it is entirely justified. As i write i can hear the song in my head " DR. PEPPERRRRR ! " , which, for those not in the know, are a series of embarrassing moments in life accompanied by the catch phrase " What's the worst that can happen ! ".
Well pretty much a national disaster, that many many people having a good knowledge of the game, no not anyone employed currently at the ECB, saw coming a mile off.
Lets look at that shall we ?
Firstly, your most talented player having fallen out of favour with the current coach, hands up those who thought that would happen, sitting on the sidelines laughing his chuff off, with the aid of the reptilian Morgan, Piers not the Irishman.
Difficult ? Probably. Self serving ? certainly, Manageable ? not according to those in positions able to do something about it. We have one of those by the name of Warner, who could have a scrap over a game of solitaire and another called Watson, who can be a bit of a winker at times. We managed it, emphasis on the word manage there.
So far no points then for man management.You have a chairman who has a modest test record at best have been appointed in some haste from his role as a banker, yes..i did say banker !Downton may well find himself with a extra consonant added to his name as a parting gift for his role in this debacle.
Then their was the ex -coach Flower having put large footprints all over the departure of KP along with others, such as Richard Halsall the one time England fielding coach who now works with the Bangladesh team.
Ahhhh lie back in the bath tonight with a cigar son ! Life gives us these little moments to cherish
You then appoint a crap county coach, leave Carberry, Stokes Rankin Gurney and Mills at home, put Hales on the bench and hope things turn out well.
Hmmm what was that saying about proper planning preventing piss poor performance ? You appoint a captain who cannot buy a run and wouldn't be allowed near the titanic so bad is his captaincy in all forms of the game, then sack him in favour of an Irishman who cannot buy a run and has all the menace and force of a squeaky toy.
Rankin and Morgan should have dusted off their passports before the trip to Sri Lanka, which is a bit like going to the Sudan to prepare for a race across the North Pole and all the time you think everything is rosy in the garden.You pick, pardon the pun, James " Apple tree " Aanderson, so called because he only flourishes in certain parts of England and Stuart " Twitter " Broad , nothing like telling the enemy you are shell shocked eh Stuey ?
There is only one man who deserves an enormous amount of credit in the entire England camp, with no test match experience whatsoever, he has traumatised Steven Finn and has turned your bowling attack to putty in a matter of months !
He deserves the freedom of our fair country and i say this to him with love in my heart.
DAVID SAKER, ENGLAND BOWLING COACH RETURN TO BASE, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED !